Caught Between Two Worlds
Grandfather C.B. Ainslie and his two families worlds apart. London. 2017. Courtesy Thai Family Archive.
Caught Between Two Worlds is an ongoing project where the photographic medium for me, opens up spaces to explore and deconstruct the experience of being caught between worlds— of family secrets, around sexuality, and mental health issues that have been silenced or supressed over time. Drawing upon the family album of my grandfather’s undisclosed life in Thailand, where he logged teak for eighteen years, I have reconstructed and re-imagined spaces that he may have encountered by examining unexplained secrets that only came to light half a century later.
In 1977, my family discovered the secret life of my grandfather. In his youth, he worked in Lampang district of Thailand where he met a beautiful Thai woman, Kunkaew Pakdee. Their relationship lasted around fourteen years. Together they had three daughters Bea, Connie, and Jeannette.
When the First World War commenced, my grandfather returned to England as he was called upon for service in the War. And as the War ended in 1918, so did his ties with his “foreign” family. He had a severe injury and it meant he couldn’t go back and work in the teak forests of Thailand and spent the remaining years of his life in England.
In 1920, he married my grandmother, Eileen and a year later, my father, Jack, was born. But he never mentioned his family in Thailand to anyone.
I wondered what impact it may have had on him and in fact his abandoned wife and daughters? Did he ever try to go back? Was he afraid that the collision of his two separate worlds would disrupt both beyond restitution? My mind was ablaze with questions that only he could have answered.
With available photographs from his archive as a starting point, I have experimented with montage, placing myself within these strange and unfamiliar landscapes. In some of the photos, I am dressed as a tree, merging into Thailand’s geography. In my own attempt to reconcile this troubling and disturbing past, I felt that the photos could tell the story of our complicated lives.
Sarah Ainslie is a freelance photographer whose work is inspired by living and working in London’s East End. She is a regular contributing photographer for Spitalfields Life blog and has facilitated community projects for elders, teenage mums, and the homeless with Four Corners Film and Photography, All Change, Barbican and Photoworks. At present she is documenting the more liminal edges of London where urban and rural life collide, and where the edges of capitalist development clash with the detritus of abandoned industry.
Re-creation of a legacy entwined– my grandfather, and Kunkaew his Thai wife. London. 2017. Digital collage. Courtesy Thai Family Archive.
Kunkaew with their three daughters Connie, Jeanette, and Bea. London. 2019. Digital collage. Courtesy Thai Family Archive.
Self-portrait II, encompassed within a landscape of secrets. London. 2017. Digital collage.
Self-portrait I, encompassed within a landscape of secrets. London. 2017. Digital collage.
Criss-crossing lives and cultures. London. 2019. Digital collage.
Forest Life. England. 2017. Digital collage.
Chiengdao and Muang Fang. London. 2017. Digital collage.
Hear Sarah Ainslie talk about her project: